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Season 1 Sep. 21, 2003
- Episode 1: Pilot
- Episode 2: Big Flappy Bastards
- Episode 3: Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell
- Episode 4: If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song I'm Going to Take a Nap
- Episode 5: The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up With a Hump
- Episode 6: Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?
- Episode 7: If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake
- Episode 8: Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful
- Episode 9: Phase One, Complete
- Episode 10: Merry Thanksgiving
- Episode 11: Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor
- Episode 12: Camel Filters + Pheromones
- Episode 13: Sara Like Puny Alan
- Episode 14: I Can't Afford Hyenas
- Episode 15: Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick
- Episode 16: That Was Saliva, Alan
- Episode 17: Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats
- Episode 18: An Old Flame With a New Wick
- Episode 19: I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You
- Episode 20: Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark
- Episode 21: No Sniffing, No Wowing
- Episode 22: My Doctor has a Cow Puppet
- Episode 23: Just Like Buffalo
- Episode 24: Can You Feel My Finger?
Season 2 Sep. 20, 2004
- Episode 1: Back Off Mary Poppins
- Episode 2: Enjoy Those Garlic Balls
- Episode 3: A Bag Full of Jawea
- Episode 4: Go Get Mommy's Bra
- Episode 5: Bad News from the Clinic
- Episode 6: The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance
- Episode 7: A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana
- Episode 8: Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers
- Episode 9: Yes, Monsignor
- Episode 10: The Salmon Under My Sweater
- Episode 11: Last Chance to See Those Tattoos
- Episode 12: A Lungful of Alan
- Episode 13: Get Off My Hair
- Episode 14: Those Big Pink Things with Coconut
- Episode 15: Smell the Umbrella Stand
- Episode 16: Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth?
- Episode 17: Woo-Hoo, A Hernia-Exam!
- Episode 18: It Was Mame, Mom
- Episode 19: A Low, Gutteral Tongue-Flapping Noise
- Episode 20: I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey
- Episode 21: A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On
- Episode 22: That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother
- Episode 23: Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab
- Episode 24: Does This Smell Funny to You?
Season 3 Sep. 19, 2005
- Episode 1: Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts
- Episode 2: Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover
- Episode 3: Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark
- Episode 4: Your Dismissive Attidude Towards Boobs
- Episode 5: We Called It Mr. Pinky
- Episode 6: Hi, Mr. Horned One
- Episode 7: Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop
- Episode 8: That Voodoo That I Do Do
- Episode 9: Madame and Her Special friend
- Episode 10: Something Salted and Twisted
- Episode 11: Santa's Village of the Damned
- Episode 12: That Special Tug
- Episode 13: Humiliation is a Visual Medium
- Episode 14: Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded
- Episode 15: My Tongue is Meat
- Episode 16: Ergo, The Booty Call
- Episode 17: The Unfortunate Little Schnauser
- Episode 18: The Spit-Covered Cobbler
- Episode 19: Golly Moses, She's A Muffin
- Episode 20: Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro
- Episode 21: And the Plot Moistens
- Episode 22: Just Once With Aunt Sophie
- Episode 23: Arguments for the Quickie
- Episode 24: That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
Season 4 Sep. 18, 2006
- Episode 1: Working for Caligula
- Episode 2: Who's Vod Kanockers?
- Episode 3: The Sea is a Harsh Mistress
- Episode 4: A Pot Smoking Monkey
- Episode 5: A Live Woman of Proven Fertility
- Episode 6: Apologies for the Frivolity
- Episode 7: Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head
- Episode 8: Release the Dogs
- Episode 9: Corey's Been Dead For an Hour
- Episode 10: Kissing Abraham Lincoln
- Episode 11: Walnuts and Demerol
- Episode 12: Castrating Sheep in Montana
- Episode 13: Don't Worry, Speed Racer
- Episode 14: That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami
- Episode 15: My Damn Stalker
- Episode 16: Young People Have Phlegm Too
- Episode 17: I Merely Slept With a Commie
- Episode 18: It Never Rains in Hooterville
- Episode 19: Smooth as a Ken Doll
- Episode 20: Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot
- Episode 21: Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous
- Episode 22: Mr. McGlue's Feedbag
- Episode 23: Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin
- Episode 24: Prostitutes and Gelato
Season 5 Sep. 24, 2007
- Episode 1: Large Birds, Spiders and Mom
- Episode 2: Media Room Slash Dungeon
- Episode 3: Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo
- Episode 4: City of Great Racks
- Episode 5: Putting Swim Fins on a Cat
- Episode 6: Help Daddy Find His Toenail
- Episode 7: The Leather Gear is in the Guest Room
- Episode 8: Is There a Mrs. Waffles?
- Episode 9: Shoes, Hats, Pickle, Jar Lids.
- Episode 10: Kinda Like Necrophilia
- Episode 11: Meander to Your Dander
- Episode 12: A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh
- Episode 13: The Soil is Moist
- Episode 14: Winky-Dink Time
- Episode 15: Rough Night in Hump Junction (aka His Ugly Bundle)
- Episode 16: Look At Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty
- Episode 17: Fish in a Drawer
- Episode 18: If My Hole Could Talk
- Episode 19: Waiting for the Right Snapper
Season 6 Sep. 22, 2008
- Episode 1: Taterhead is Our Love Child
- Episode 2: Pie Hole, Herb
- Episode 3: Damn You, Eggs Benedict
- Episode 4: The Flavin' and the Mavin'
- Episode 5: A Jock Strap in Hell
- Episode 6: It's Always Nazi Week (1)
- Episode 7: Best H.O. Money Can Buy
- Episode 8: Pinocchio's Mouth
- Episode 9: The Mooch At The Boo
- Episode 10: He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited
- Episode 11: The Devil's Lube
- Episode 12: Thank God for Scoliosis
- Episode 13: I Think You Offended Don
- Episode 14: David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie
- Episode 15: I'd Like to Start With the Cat
- Episode 16: She'll Still Be Dead At Halftime
- Episode 17: The 'Ocu' Or The 'Pado'?
- Episode 18: My Son's Enormous Head
- Episode 19: The Two Finger Rule
- Episode 20: Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau
- Episode 21: Above Exalted Cyclops
- Episode 22: Sir Lancelot's Litter Box
- Episode 23: Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth
- Episode 24: Baseball with Better Steroids
Season 7 Sep. 21, 2009
- Episode 1: 818-jklpuzo
- Episode 2: Whipped Unto the Third Generation
- Episode 3: Mmm, Fish. Yum.
- Episode 4: Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator
- Episode 5: For the Sake of the Child
- Episode 6: Give Me Your Thumb
- Episode 7: Untainted by Filth
- Episode 8: Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.
- Episode 9: Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair
- Episode 10: That's Why They Call It Ball Room
- Episode 11: Warning, It's Dirty
- Episode 12: Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste
- Episode 13: Yay, No Polyps!
- Episode 14: Crude and Uncalled For (1)
- Episode 15: Aye, Aye, Captain Douche (2)
- Episode 16: Tinkle Like a Princess
- Episode 17: I Found Your Moustache
- Episode 18: Ixnay on the Oggie Day
- Episode 19: Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave
- Episode 20: I Called Him Magoo
- Episode 21: Gumby with a Pokey
- Episode 22: This is Not Gonna End Well
Season 8 Sep. 20, 2010
- Episode 1: Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud
- Episode 2: A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer
- Episode 3: A Pudding-Filled Cactus
- Episode 4: Hookers, Hookers, Hookers
- Episode 5: The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel
- Episode 6: Twanging Your Magic Clanger
- Episode 7: The Crazy Bitch Gazette
- Episode 8: Springtime on a Stick
- Episode 9: A Good Time In Central Africa
- Episode 10: Ow, Ow, Don't Stop
- Episode 11: Dead From the Waist Down
- Episode 12: Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead
- Episode 13: Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup
- Episode 14: Lookin' for Japanese Subs
- Episode 15: Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak
- Episode 16: That Darn Priest
Season 9 Sep. 19, 2011
- Episode 1: Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
- Episode 2: People Who Love Peepholes
- Episode 3: Big Girls Don't Throw Food
- Episode 4: Nine Magic Fingers
- Episode 5: A Giant Cat Holding Churro
- Episode 6: The Squat and The Hover
- Episode 7: Those Fancy Japanese Toilets
- Episode 8: Thank You For The Intercourse
- Episode 9: Frodo's Headshots
- Episode 10: Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes
- Episode 11: A Lovely Landing Strip
- Episode 12: One False Move, Zimbabwe!
- Episode 13: Slowly and in a Circular Fashion
- Episode 14: A Possum on Chemo
- Episode 15: The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack
- Episode 16: Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy
- Episode 17: Not In My Mouth
- Episode 18: The War Against Gingivitis
- Episode 19: Palmdale, Ech
- Episode 20: Grandma's Pie
- Episode 21: Mr. Hose Says Yes
- Episode 22: Why We Gave Up Women
- Episode 23: The Straw In My Donut Hole
- Episode 24: Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!
Season 10 Sep. 27, 2012
- Episode 1: I Changed My Mind About the Milk
- Episode 2: A Big Bag of Dog
- Episode 3: Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt
- Episode 4: You Do Know What The Lollipop Is For
- Episode 5: That's Not What They Call It In Amsterdam
- Episode 6: Ferrets, Attack!
- Episode 7: Avoid the Chinese Mustard
- Episode 8: Something My Gynecologist Said
- Episode 9: I Scream When I Pee
- Episode 10: One Nut Johnson
- Episode 11: Give Santa a Tail-Hole
- Episode 12: Welcome to Alancrest
- Episode 13: Grab A Feather And Get In Line
- Episode 14: Run Steven Staven! Run!
- Episode 15: Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It
- Episode 16: Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby
- Episode 17: Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries
- Episode 18: The 9:04 From Pemberton
- Episode 19: Big Episode: Someone Stole a Spoon
- Episode 20: Bazinga! That's From a TV Show
- Episode 21: Another Night With Neil Diamond
- Episode 22: My Bodacious Vidalia
- Episode 23: Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped
Season 11 Sep. 26, 2013
- Episode 1: Nangnangnangnang
- Episode 2: I Think I Banged Lucille Ball
- Episode 3: This Unblessed Biscuit
- Episode 4: Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank
- Episode 5: Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003
- Episode 6: Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants
- Episode 7: Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie
- Episode 8: Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.
- Episode 9: Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer
- Episode 10: On vodka, on soda, on blender, on Mixer!
- Episode 11: Tazed In The Lady Nuts
- Episode 12: Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.
- Episode 13: Bite Me, Supreme Court
- Episode 14: Three Fingers of Creme de Menthe
- Episode 15: Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin
- Episode 16: How to Get Rid of Alan Harper
- Episode 17: Welcome Home, Jake
- Episode 18: West Side Story
- Episode 19: Daddy's Got a Healthy Flavor Stick
- Episode 20: Lotta Delis in Little Armenia
- Episode 21: Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot
- Episode 22: Oh, WALD-E, Good Times Ahead
Season 12 Oct. 30, 2014
- Episode 1: The Ol' Mexican Spinach
- Episode 2: A Chic Bar in Ibiza
- Episode 3: Glamping in a Yurt
- Episode 4: Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight
- Episode 5: Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.
- Episode 6: Alan Shot a Little Girl
- Episode 7: Sex with an Animated Ed Asner
- Episode 8: Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey
- Episode 9: Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey
- Episode 10: Here I Come, Pants!
- Episode 11: For Whom the Booty Calls
- Episode 12: A Beer Battered Rip-Off
- Episode 13: Boompa Loved His Hookers
- Episode 14: Don't Give a Monkey a Gun
- Episode 15: Of Course He's Dead (1)
Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 9
Upon his release from the hospital, Alan is met with a slew of challenges that test his ability to cope.